It has been over a month since I last posted here. I am much better. I feel like me again.
I have left that old job behind, and it was like something snapped. This coincided with me going back to university, to my university, which is a place I absolutely love (nerd alert). I have started my PhD, and boy, I have a long, long journey ahead.
Today I am happy, but wistful. Very wistful. I find myself listening, singing and humming to Wouldn’t It Be Nice, by the Beach Boys, over and over and over again.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older, and we wouldn’t have to wait so long…
I constantly talk to The Hubby about how our lives are just starting. I am 24, and he is 27. I have just started a PhD and he is working and studying so hard for his career. We have so much ahead of us. So much to do. so much to live. I am excited about all this.
But sometimes I get wistful. I think to myself, wouldn’t it be nice if we were older, and we wouldn’t have to wait so long to have careers, to be able to afford ballet and football tickets, to be able to help our parents.
To have less of our current worries, and to have a whole new set of worries.
To have a family.
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together, in the kind of world where we belong…
Our friends are light-years ahead of us. Or so it seems sometimes. They earn much more, don’t need to pay for an expensive education, can afford mortgages, expensively huge weddings, and they are planning on having children soon.
We can’t have any of that. Not yet anyway.
We made different choices about our lives, and we are both working hard to achieve our dreams. But wouldn’t it be nice if we were already there? We could then have new dreams.
I think about the kind of world where we belong, our future careers, home and family.
Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray, it might come true..
I have recently found out I have a condition that renders me, shall we say, less fertile than the average woman. But our future has children in it. We have always wanted to adopt. It was one of the first things we talked about.
Our future home will be small, cramped and messy. But it will be happy, warm and full of love. Our kids may be tripping over their toys and books, sleeping on top of each other and there may only be frozen soup for dinner (I am a terrible cook). But we will all be together.
You know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it.
But let’s talk about it.
I guess everyone gets like this sometimes, it is not so much mindless ‘what ifs’, but hopeful, happy dreams for the future.
One day, hopefully we will get there. And the present is also happy.We are finally getting married in a few months, I have started my PhD, The Hubby is also progr. Everything feels like steps in our journey.
But sometimes, it would be nice to be already there, Wouldn’t it?